You showed me a reason to live...

Nick, I saw you the first time in a video at my youth group. After that, I was hooked. I've spent hours watching YouTube videos, and every minute of every video has touched my heart and my life. This morning, you came and talked at Camarillo Community Church, and I was so moved. I really do feel like I didn't leave unchanged, but unchained, and that's truly a miracle. I stayed for both services and both times you brought me to tears. It felt like you were talking straight to me, and everything else seemed to disappear. Throughout my life, I've been verbally and physically abused by my family. When I was 6, I had to watch my drunk father and mother play tug-of-war over my baby sister. When I was 8, my father almost suffocated me unconscious. When I was 10 years old, my own mother started calling me a slut and telling me that I was going to get raped on some street corner and it would be my fault. When I was 12, my life really started falling apart. I was getting old enough to realize how much I hurt, and I started blaming myself. I cried because I felt so ugly, and that nobody would love me, so I stopped eating. I got to about 80 lbs., and nobody noticed or cared. I became severally depressed, and I started to self injure. My arms would be covered with bruises from slamming them into the wall, covered in cuts and scars from when Satan was whispering in my ear, telling me that pain was the only thing real. I really did believe it, and tried to kill the pain I felt inside, with a pain I thought I could control. For the past three years I've thought about suicide more than almost anything. I tried to kill myself 4 times, but failed. I guess God isn't ready to let me off the hook that easy. The last six months have been better at times, but also worse. This morning was definitely in the worse category, and when I showed up at church, my heart was cold, surrounded by a wall to keep everything out. And then I saw you. This amazing guy who's eyes sparkled with joy and peace. That alone almost made me cry. Not to mention, you were quite attractive, like you said. =) When you started to speak, I sort of listened, but tried not to let myself get involved. It was impossible. Like I said, everything else faded away, and there you were, telling me that God loves me, telling me that I have a purpose, telling me that I can use my circumstances for Him, telling me that I'm beautiful. When you said that being on perfect on the outside doesn't mean anything if you're broken on the inside, I think my wall started crumbling. After that, everything you said knocked another brick of that wall, until I was sitting there, my defenses down, tears pouring down my face, and I was changed. When I prayed, my chains fell off and I felt free. When I looked into your peaceful eyes, sparkling with the joy of our Lord, it gave me hope. Suddenly, I could do it, I could live, I had a reason to: Because, I'm special. And then I thought, silly me. Why should that seem important when he helps lead thousands of people to Christ? But it is important, because to you it might have just been another day in your life. But to me, it was another day I didn't give up, and more importantly, the first day in a long time that I didn't want to... You reached out to me, not touching my hand with yours, but touching my heart with yours and with the love of my Daddy. My Daddy, the daddy who will never hurt me or cause me pain; but love me for whose I am, for all my faults and flaws. Who loves me any way. I'm by no means done with the crap in my life, but it's a start in the right direction. With time, I hope that I can learn to use my testimony like you do, to reach hurting people and let them know that they are not alone and that there is a purpose, that they are loved. I hope that in the future when I'm feeling like life sucks, and it's not worth it, that I'll remember today. And remember you, and you're love for God through your difficult circumstances. To know that if you can do it, I can do it, too. More than that... that I'll WANT to do it. You handed me one of the greatest things of all. HOPE. Thanks Nick. God bless you for the work you're doing, and I hope one day I'll actually get to meet you.

And by the way, holding hands isn't everything it's cracked up to be. People have sweaty slimy hands. Haha. But, I know that any girl would be more than lucky to have you holding her heart...


(by: Jenna)


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